Avid readers (Andrew) may remember
this post in which I bragged about how I had attacked and defeated the "terrible alien beast that was swimming at the bottom of my pond."
More recently, you may remember that I
imprisoned my dog Cooper.
Well, in a well thought out scheme after what was no doubt months of planning (especially when you consider the language barrier between Dog and Alien Beast) the two have conspired to bring about my downfall and complete destruction. Here's how it all went down.
We let Cooper out for his evening pee. When it was time for him to come in, Charissa went to let him in but he would not come. I didn't realize that he wasn't in the house until I heard him outside barking. I may be wrong, considering the language barrier between Dog and English, but I'm pretty sure he was saying "shoot me! Shoot me!" and offer I am more and more inclined to take.
I called upstairs to Charissa, "Is the dog in?" She replied, "No. He wouldn't come in." Lo, in a moment of machismo, I thought, 'I'll show her how to get the dog in. This is a job for Daddy!'
I went into the back yard and calmly walked out to get the dog. He played his little game where he runs up to you then takes off just before you can get him and clean his feet. I have learned a trick to getting the dog in the house. I always runs away ion a big loop in which he runs to the west of the yard then curves back in and ends up in the 8 foot stretch of real estate on the east side of the pond. I have learned that if you walk to the east side of the pond, it cuts him off and he will run onto the porch in confusion. Then if you follow his loop backward, he has no opportunity to escape and he stays on the porch until you've caught him.
Well, I cut the dog's escape off, as I always do, and he began to retreat to the porch. Then I began my pursuit which involves walking around the pond. It's a maneuver that I've made a thousands times successfully.
Well not on this day. The pond monster was waiting for me. I began to walk west bound and suddenly, without warning, I was up top my shoulders in cold stagnant pond water. Anyone who had ever fallen knows the sensation when you realize that you are falling and try to fight. You feel your balance slipping and reach for anything to grab. You know you are falling but cannot stop. This never happened for me. It was swift as death. One moment I was walking. The next, I was swimming. It wasn't so much like I had slipped and fallen into the pond as much as if it was like I had simply stepped into it off a diving board.
The pond monster soaked me in my jeans and three quarter sleeve baseball shirt. It kept one of my flip flops and I'm feeling the onset of spinal meningitis. Could this be my final post? Has the pond monster finally killed me aided by Cooper the Dog? Does Cooper realize that if I die tonight, Charissa will honorably take her own life like Juliet when she finds her lover dead and that he will be left in his jail cell to starve? So who is the clear winner? The Pond Monster, who will feed off the gold fish and moss until it grows and swallows up the yard, then the house, then the block and finally, the world!!!
